


Post-Canon Drabbling

by Griever1337



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble Collection, More tags to be added, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-03-04 23:00:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337
Summary: Griever writes some short conversations that take place post-canon, silly or otherwise.





	1. This is why the gods don't get therapy.

THERAPIST: So...tell me about your day.  
ROSE: Well, it's been the same for a few weeks now. I've been having truncated visions of realities that give me headaches again-  
THERAPIST: Sorry, um...  
THERAPIST: I can't get over this right now. You're Rose Lalonde, correct? One of our creators???  
THERAPIST: All the stories I heard about you were what drove me into this field in the first place!   
THERAPIST: So it's...a little weird, being twenty years older than you, and having you laying down on my office couch like that.  
THERAPIST: It's surreal, actually.  
ROSE: My...psychoanalytic exploits were your main takeaway?  
THERAPIST: Of course!  
ROSE: Um.  
ROSE: Keep in mind that most of my dabbles into the field of therapy and psychology were as a know-it-all thirteen year old child.  
THERAPIST: Hmm...  
THERAPIST: You say that, but your notes are the basis for our current understanding of psychology!  
ROSE: ......  
ROSE: Oh god. We're so fucked.  



	2. Karkat Attempts To Make Dirk Understand That He's Just Another Idiot Arguing With Himself

KARKAT: IN LIEU OF YOU NOT HAVING A TIME-DESTABILIZED CHATROOM TO GO TO TOWN ON YOURSELF IN, I'M GOING TO STAND IN FOR YOU AS A TARGET FOR YOUR OWN SELF-LOATHING BULLSHIT.  
KARKAT: THINK OF ME AS A STRIDER STUNT DOUBLE THAT WILL GRACIOUSLY FUCKING ALLOW YOU TO WORK OUT SOME DEEP-SEATED ISSUES THROUGH VERBALIZATION.  
DIRK: Are you seriously trying to do this with me right now?  
DIRK: You can go ahead and fuck off.  
KARKAT: SEE!?  
KARKAT: THIS IS GOOD PROGRESS WE'RE MAKING HERE.  
KARKAT: PLEASE CONTINUE.  
DIRK: I'm not sure why you think this is going to force some sort of grand epiphany out of me.  
DIRK: I don't think I have anything to say to you. I'm tired of this.  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME YOU LOOKED AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR LIFE?  
DIRK: Do you ever shut the fuck up?  
KARKAT: AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T!  
KARKAT: BECAUSE FOR THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF, I'M YOUR SECOND-RATE, SELF-LOATHING ASS.  
  



	3. Rosebot talks shit about Dirk's inspirations.

ROSEBOT: You know.  
ROSEBOT: For someone so enamored with his own intelligence, it strikes me as a little silly that your solution to the Ultimate Self dilemma was to shove my consciousness into a hunk of metal, like you were copying that weird sci-fi movie starring Scarlett Johannson.  
ROSEBOT: You never struck me as-  
DIRK: I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say?  
ROSEBOT: Ghost in the Shell, starring Scarlett Johannson. That’s where you got the idea to house my soul in a metal “shell”, isn’t it?  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DIRK: There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I feel like stabbing myself.  
ROSEBOT: That doesn’t really mark a change in your state of mind, unfortunately.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: First of all, Ghost in the Shell is a classic masterpiece of the medium it was created in.  
DIRK: Which was anime, by the way.   
DIRK: The live-action adaptation pales in comparison to the original.  
ROSEBOT: I would bet real money that you never even watched it, if we had need for such things, or lived in a society where currency was exchanged.  
DIRK: SECOND of all, I got this idea from Jade’s old dreambot.  
DIRK: Don’t you remember Jadebot, Rose?  
ROSEBOT: So you plagiarized an alternate, old man version of Jake instead? You must've had it pretty bad for him.  
DIRK: I largely focused on the invention and made note to not remember the inventor.   
DIRK: I can disconnect the two, you know.  
ROSEBOT: I’m not sure why you think you can lie to someone whose sworn duty to all realities is essentially “to know literally everything”.  
  



	4. Vriska tries to get through to Dirk, but he's not listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a drabble commission, actually!

VRISKA: Look, look, look.  
VRISKA: I get it, alright? Things are looking like a8solute gar8age in your life and the only people you talk to don’t know what’s going on in your head, or don’t care.  
VRISKA: You’re just left with your own thoughts! And in 8oth of our cases, voices in our heads!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: And for you, it’s just worse versions of you, over and over and over again, for years...  
VRISKA: It’s rough. I get it.  
VRISKA: And that’s why you’re constructing this whole...story, about your life, right?  
VRISKA: I did the same thing, a long time ago - hell, I did it recently!   
VRISKA: I was propping myself up as a hero that defeats an evil that she has a hand in creating! 8ecause it was something I had to 8elieve in just to get through life, in a lot of ways!  
VRISKA: 8ut you’re so fucked up, and you think you’re so 8eyond redemption and happiness that you’ve set yourself up as the ultim8 villain of reality.  
VRISKA: And...I don’t know.  
VRISKA: It feels like a really unhealthy way to think, in retrospect.  
VRISKA: Putting yourself at the center of a grand story and making everyone hate you in the process, I mean.  
VRISKA: I don’t need to 8e 8ound 8y a narrative that I’ve thrown myself into anymore, and neither do you.  
VRISKA: So how a8out you put down the sword and just...settle down a little 8it? Talk to everyone?  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Sorry, I was wearing airpods the entire time you were talking.  
DIRK: What were you saying?  



	5. Rosebot On Literature

DIRK: It's like I said, Rose.   
DIRK: We're basically the same person.   
ROSEBOT: See, I've been doing a lot of thinking on that.   
ROSEBOT: And I'm going to have to disagree.   
DIRK: Disagreeing with myself on something that's obvious is something that I do pretty much every single day of my life.   
DIRK: So you're just proving my point.   
ROSEBOT: Do you like wizards, Dirk?   
DIRK: No.   
ROSEBOT: Then we're not really all that similar, are we?   
DIRK: That's a pretty minor difference, Rose.   
ROSEBOT: Is it, though?   
ROSEBOT: When's the last time you lost yourself in a world of magic and reality warping, godlike old men flailing sticks around while trying to solve problems of utmost inanity?   
DIRK: Rose.   
DIRK: I just got DONE writing that story.    
DIRK: Minus everyone being like, 300 years old.   
ROSEBOT: Dirk, you used the powers of a god to dip your toes into the shallow literary pool of adult drama and...fucking politics.   
ROSEBOT: That's the type of story a crusty old white dude would write.   



	6. A Note Before Flying Off to All That Which Matters

DAVEBOT: listen   
DAVEBOT: im not   
DAVEBOT: i mean   
DAVEBOT: i think its important that you know none of this is your fault   
DAVEBOT: like   
DAVEBOT: i know what just about every possible fuckin dave has gone through   
DAVEBOT: and all the juicy deets about who hooks up and how it all goes and how those daves feel or whatever   
DAVEBOT: and    
DAVEBOT: there were a lot of times where you and i and karkat really shacked up together and made it work   
DAVEBOT: like the well-oiled machine i am now   
DAVEBOT: you being a close part of my life wasnt something that ruined me and karkat or whatever the fuck you might be thinking    
DAVEBOT: i admit that the version of me who was specifically your husband was   
DAVEBOT: a little unhappy   
DAVEBOT: but, and i cannot stress this enough   
DAVEBOT: that was all on that dave, and by extension me as a whole   
DAVEBOT: and im not doing this all to save face or protect your feelings or whatever this is literally just...   
DAVEBOT: its just what im thinking   
DAVEBOT: so...   
DAVEBOT: im sorry   
DAVEBOT: and i really feel safe leaving this universe in you and karkats hands   
DAVEBOT: and uh   
DAVEBOT: ...   
DAVEBOT: goodbye jade   



	7. More fucking Dirk, starring Candy John

JOHN: listen, being forty years old, i've gone through some stuff. and like, i know it probably sounds crazy, but i understand what you're going through!   
DIRK: I don't think you've ever really understood much of anything, ever.    
JOHN: yep! and that's why i understand you so well!   
DIRK: ...   
DIRK: Did I just get burned by John fucking Egbert?   
DIRK: That's it, I'm leaving. This conversation never happened, in both a literal and figurative sense.   
JOHN: listen, i've...i've gone through life thinking everything was wrong, too! and i did some crazy things because of it.   
JOHN: like, tried to convince a relative of mine to let me kidnap them crazy.   
DIRK: ...   
JOHN: all i'm saying is that maybe you just need to like...sit down and talk with someone? rip off a few psychological band-aids?   
DIRK: You know what? No.   
DIRK: I'm not turning this conversation into some sort of weird fucked up reverse BroJohn situation.   
JOHN: what the fuck is brojohn????   
DIRK: You don't want to know.   
DIRK: Not like you'd get the chance, since I'm ending this absurdly self-indulgent Dirk comfort drabble right here.   



	8. dirk please stop stealing all the fucking screentime

DIRK: Rose, do you ever wonder what life would be like if you stayed on that planet?   
ROSEBOT: As someone who's taking advantage of this robot body to rapidly approach total multiversal omniscience, it's funny to me that you ask that.   
ROSEBOT: Since we both know it would've been ultimately been a mesh of positives and negatives, as we've said before.    
ROSEBOT: But for me, at least, it would have been quite nice.   
DIRK: I'm not talking about the Candy timeline, Rose. Fuck that stupid version of the universe.   
DIRK: I'm wondering what would have happened if I did everything exactly the same, but left you to wither away into nothingness on that insignificant rock we absconded from a long time ago.   
ROSEBOT: I don't think about it very often, no.   
ROSEBOT: As far as I can tell, that's not something you ever end up doing.   
DIRK: Rose, don't try to use this conversation as an excuse to paint me with mildly redeemable qualities.   
DIRK: We've been through way too many of those bits already. Even being self-aware about it is starting to lose its luster.   
ROSEBOT: You say that like you're that much of a villain.   
ROSEBOT: Remind me, which one of us was it that outlined a plan to send teenage versions of ourselves to their deaths?   
ROSEBOT: I led friends to the slaughter of my own free will and came with you willingly, because by comparison, you have the moral high ground.   
ROSEBOT: All you did was play matchmaker and put Jade into a coma like every other hack of a villain in Paradox Space.   
DIRK: There's that phrase again. "Free will".   
DIRK: You don't honestly believe you have freedom of choice right now, do you?   
ROSEBOT: Evading the larger point of my musings, I see.   
ROSEBOT: But free will itself is always quite the quandary. It's not like you have the power to choose what we say or what we do at the moment.   
ROSEBOT: Nor does Calliope for that matter - not in this extra-canonical framework for our conversations.   
DIRK: Are you trying to imply that nobody has that control at the moment?   
DIRK: Because if you are, my opinion of you might have just dropped off of a helicopter.   
ROSEBOT: I'm not saying that.    
ROSEBOT: I'm saying that, perhaps, we have the illusion of free will.   
ROSEBOT: But illusions are powerful, and one's belief in them make the false reality they portray somewhat less so.   
DIRK: Believing in fake things makes them a little less fake, then.   
ROSEBOT: Exactly.   
DIRK: Yeah, no. That's stupid.   



	9. a conversation between rosebot and dirk that's a little bit more lighthearted

ROSEBOT: ...   
DIRK: ...   
ROSEBOT: ......   
DIRK: ......   
ROSEBOT: ...Not gonna lie, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater kinda sucks.   
DIRK: Okay, first of all,   



	10. Chapter 10

DIRK: My narrative importance got stolen recently.  
DIRK: I was pretty bummed about it.  
DIRK: But I think whichever Dirk stole it was probably more *happy* to get it than I am *sad* to lose it.  
DIRK: Meaning the total happiness across the multiple timelines of our universe increased.  
DIRK: So, whatever.  



End file.
